Q. Who will tell us if it starts snowing?
A. The Met Office (who will assume full control of all aspects of running the UK during a weather emergency) have a number of radar monitoring stations to look out for falling ice crystals (or “snow”). If any are detected heading for the ground, all TV and radio transmissions will be interrupted, with most other kinds of public services following suit within a few minutes or hours.

Q. If it begins to snow, what should I do?
A. If a snow alert is sounded, stop what you are doing immediately and run for cover in the nearest building. Do not use public transport. If you can’t reach a building within five minutes, lie down in a ditch, cover yourself with an item of heavy clothing and make sure your body is clearly labelled for identification in the spring.

Q. How can I prepare for snow?
A. Many TV programmes have popularised the idea of spreading salt around to lessen the impact; although this may help, in reality, panic salt-buying is likely to make this impractical, unless you already happen to own several large sacks of it (if so, refer to leaflet 56-B “How to defend my salt horde from civil attack”). Place small plastic bags over any plants which might be directly exposed to the snow. Selotaping tennis rackets to the soles of your shoes may also help, as 70% of all body heat is lost through the feet.

Q. If it snows, can I still use beer mats?
A. Yes

Q.  Is it advisable to attempt to travel after a snow event?
A.  Travel is highly inadvisable, especially public transport which is likely to be cold, uncomfortable and overcrowded. This will only be exacerbated by any snow event.

Q.  What colour is snow, will I be able to see it?
A.  Snow is mostly white but do not stare directly at it, as it can cause snow-eye, a very painful condition similar to an ‘ice-cream headache’.

Q. Are snowflakes like cornflakes?
A. No. They’re more like dandruff, but get absorbed more readily into clothing. It is estimated that an average adult male would be killed by exposure to 340 snowflakes but, even more alarmingly, a bus or train will be incapacitated by as few as 50.

Q. Do we ever get the kind of hot snow I encountered in Antigua?
A. This is a common misconception, the hot snow encountered in the Caribbean is actually a type of white sand.

Q  Will the government considering powdering some dairy products in preparation for an ‘event’?
A.  The government is working through a shortlist of foodstuffs that might lend themselves to powdering and will publish results soon.

Q. If my TV aerial is covered in snow will I still be able to receive Dave?
A. Unfortunately, Dave, ITV1 to 4 and E4 are likely to still be available.

Q. Where will the Prime Minister be during a snow-in?
A. The PM will be safe in his Top secret snow-bunker just off the A530 near Whitchurch

 

Q. Can snowmen attack me?
A. This is highly unlikely. Most likely the belief in animate, hostile snowmen began in the 1990s, as a result of the straight-to-video horror film Jack Frost, which has now been largely discredited by meteorologists and Barry Norman.

Q. Will UK Plc still be in business after a snow-off?
A. It is extremely unlikely, the cost of a snow-up is likely to be several hundred trillion pounds.

Q. Has it ever snowed before?
A. Unfortunately, we don’t know. Any weather records prior to February 2009 were either lost or burned as fuel during a mysterious weather event in February 2009, but experts who look at stones and count the rings in the trunks of trees have chillingly warned us that it “might have happened in the relatively recent past.” 

Q. I remember snow, can I help you with your records?
A. Yes, please contact us at heknowstoomuch@theweatheroffice.gov.uk